giddy gratitude and grim determination

Yesterday was Zoe’s 10th birthday. Despite all of the wrangling I had tried, I ended up with an oncologist appointment in the morning. We had discovered I had cancer the first time on Mark’s birthday and learned about the metastatic disease on Zoe’s 4th birthday. We tend to avoid linking oncology with birthdays.

However, yesterday it was good that they were together. We served Zoe breakfast in bed and then hustled off to see the doctor. We knew that my tumor marker counts were slightly up. My fluid production is also up. So we were a bit on edge over what the next course of action would be.

And after a good visit with Dr. Campbell, we are staying the course. We both feel good about this decision. The side effects of the Halaven (neuropathy, fatigue) are manageable. I’m doing OK.

It was after we had gone through all of this medical stuff, that I got personal and told Dr. Campbell that it was the anniversary of my diagnosis six years ago and also our daughter’s birthday. I thanked him for all he had done to keep me around.

To my surprise, he said, “It’s not me, it’s you. It’s your determination. If I could bottle that and give it to other patients, I would.” He went on to talk about making a normal life for our family and how important that was. It turned into a really wonderful and meaningful conversation. A huge shot in the arm. I was giddy from the appointment and overwhelmed with gratitude for Zoe’s 10th birthday.

In the Meyer family we have a phrase that I think came from my Grandma: “grim determination.” It has become a bit of a joke: i.e “you think you’re going to fix that with just grim determination?” Mark has noted my grim determination in less than flattering times.

What I wish I had said to Dr. Campbell is that it’s not my determination. Sure, I’m the one who has to swing her legs over the side of the bed and get up every morning, but it’s Mark who already has a hot breakfast cooked, the dog fed, the dishwasher emptied, and the music playing. It’s my parents who are maintaing the “normal” of the house–doing laundry, cleaning, running errands, etc. It’s my brother who calls every day to check in and drops off meals on a moment’s notice. My sister who visits me in this bleak winter bringing me stories and laughter. When I’m running low on optimism, it’s my mother who spoon feeds it to me like soup, sharing from her genetically generous store.

It’s my administrators who tell me to come in only when I feel well enough. My colleagues who fill in every crack I’ve left behind. The friends who visit and notice something to be done and just do it. (Who paid the parking ticket that I noticed on the van this winter, by the way?!). It is Mark’s family who offer help time and again.

So I guess if it’s not Dr. Campbell and it’s not me, then it’s you. It is you who have given out the grim determination. You who have urged me on to the amazing gift that is Zoe’s tenth birthday.

Emily reminded me a few months back that when I was first diagnosed with metastatic disease I said I just wanted to live until Zoe was in double digits. My reasoning was that she’d have natural memories of me. Well, as usual, I’ll be asking God for even more. We got Zoe’s ears pierced yesterday and I thought about how I want to see it all–the proms, the graduations. I don’t just want 10 anymore. I want 10 times 10.

Fortunately, the host of people who are praying for me, bolstering me, and caring for me seem to want it too. I wouldn’t have an ounce of grim determination without you. I am giddy with gratitude.

7 thoughts on “giddy gratitude and grim determination

  1. What a marvelous post, and marvelous news. I truly believe that you can reach all those landmarks through sheer will – or “grim determination.” What a wonderful character trait that’s proved to be. Happy birthday to Zoe Jane as well. Love, Anne

  2. Got a little choked up reading this. So glad you are staying the course, and showing what prayer and all that positive energy can do. I actually am baffled when I hear friends that question God’s existence. So much evidence of a higher power in our lives, and reflected so strongly in the love of your family and friends. We’re just overwhelmed by it. So glad you are hear Tasha – much love to you and your family!

  3. Tash, I would agree with Dr. Campbell. Don’t sell yourself short for a minute. I’m so delighted we serve a God who always exceeds our expectations!

  4. tears over here tasha. what a beautiful time (zoe’s b-day) to stop and reflect on your journey and the journey of those who love you. Celebrating you, mark and Zoe and the memories you continue to make.
    xo
    k

  5. Beautiful post from beautiful you. Thanks for sharing your heart. Blessings to you, Mark and especially Zoe on her 10th birthday.

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